Perfect Isn't So Simple
by AmethystB
Summary: {One-shot, songfic} Was this what you wanted your daughter to become; a faceless monster with a heart encased in ice so thick that not even the greatest spear could penetrate it? Well I’m sorry I can’t be what you want.


**Amethyst Blizzard: **Woot! I'm back! Goodbye writer's block and hello imagination! *does a victory dance* Heh… *clears throat* Uh, enough of that, ne? Time to get serious, cause that's what this one-shot is *sage nod*. An unwanted daughter finally faces her father…and perfection. Yessie, Rika sings it up with soul!

**Floramon: ***sigh* Another crazy person in the house…I've already had to deal with the cat…Ok people, you know the deal. Neither Amethyst nor myself own Digimon, or Rika…or her dad, though we kinda made him…um…our own, only cause we don't know his personality from watching the show (which I'm in, by the way)

**A/N:** They know that, Floramon…Since Rika's past in shrouded in mystery, I had to pull some of this stuff from my imagination, as well as my own experiences, which is why the characters may be slightly OOC. 

One-shot, angst, Rika's point-of-view, songfic. That ought to sum it up for ya! Enjoy!

Perfect Isn't So Simple 

Look what you've done. I can't believe you anymore when you say that you love me. I just can't, not after what you said to me yesterday. We've lost it all now. _You've _lost it all. Not that it would've mattered anyway, I hadn't seen you in ten years after all. But what you said yesterday just provoked something in me to snap. How could you say something like that to your own daughter, when you know what _you've_ put her through? I guess you don't know the true meaning of love. Of course you don't; how could you, when you left me to deal with things on my own when I was just four years old? Well, how is your trophy now, now that she knows the truth?

**~*Hey dad, look at me**

**Think back and talk to me**

**Did I grow up according to plan?**

**And do you think I'm wasting my time**

**Doing things I want to do**

Cause it hurts when you disapprove all along*~ 

That's right, your trophy; the woman you left us for. You never did tell her the truth did you? Oh no, the fact that you had been married once already and had a daughter never occurred to you as important, did it? Well, I guess yesterday was the day of reckoning since the truth finally spilled its contents out into the open, where they belonged in the first place. 

You never asked how I was doing at school, or if I was even alive after the D-Reaper incident, though you did call the house occasionally to make sure we had enough money. Is that all life is it you: money? Cause if it is, then you need to get a reality check, or even a new profession. Being a lawyer is hardly satisfying, is it?

You never did approve of the things I did, no matter how hard I'd try to make you proud. You'd always tell me to try harder because I was embarrassing you. That's what you said yesterday, wasn't it?

**~*And now I try hard to make it**

**I just want to make you proud**

**I'm never gonna be good enough for you**

**I can't pretend that I'm alright**

**And you can't change me*~**

When I told you about that tournament all those years ago on the phone, you told me to win it so I could make you proud. So I tried, and in the end, that's all that mattered, but I didn't know that then, and neither did you. I lost, to my greatest rival and comrade, but you just wouldn't hear it. You didn't even congratulate me for getting as far second, you just reprimanded me for trying. As always, I thought you were right, so I scolded myself too. I trained myself to absolute perfection just so I could beat my rival and make _you_ happy. But now I see, no one's perfect, and I'm certainly no contender. But you just won't see that, will you?

**~*Cause we lost it all**

**And nothing lasts forever**

**I'm sorry I can't be perfect**

**Now it's just too late**

**And we can't go back**

**I'm sorry I can't be perfect*~**

You said that I would never be perfect in your eyes, that was what you said to me yesterday, in front of your trophy, in front of my own mother and _your_ former lover. How could you? After all this time, all my progress means nothing to you? My progress in becoming stronger, in reaching perfection, in becoming human and understanding my feelings…all nothing to you. As you said this, I even felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall, I refused to let you win, refused to let you get what you've always wanted. The empty tears soon evaporated and I was left to stare at you, vacant of any emotion. Was this what you wanted your daughter to become; a faceless monster with a heart encased in ice so thick that not even the greatest spear could penetrate it? Maybe you had won, but did that mean you could just disregard your own flesh and blood just because she didn't win some stupid tournament? Well I'm sorry I can't be what you want.

**~*I try not to think **

**About the pain I feel inside**

**Did you know you used to be my hero?**

**All the days you spent with me **

**Now seem so far away**

**And it feels like you don't care anymore*~**

I believed in you, believed that whatever you said went, regardless of whom it hurt or what was sacrificed. Even if that which was sacrificed was my own heart. A couple of years ago, I basked in the light that was your pretend heroism, and now I find myself facing many questions about what heroism really is. What is heroism, Dad? Is it something that requires time and effort, or is it something that becomes of you when you rise in you own glory? Or is it sacrifice? Can you even tell me that? Somehow, I don't think so. 

You used to spend hours with me at the park when I was young. You used to watch me play on the swing, the same swing every time. You used to laugh when I laughed. So can you tell me where those good times have gone? I can't help but think about the pain you've put me through all these years of believing in a lie. Now that you have everything you want, you don't care anymore.

**~*And now I try hard to make it**

**I just want to make you proud**

**I'm never gonna be good enough for you**

**I can't stand another fight**

**And nothing's alright*~**

You and mom used to fight all the time over the phone; I can still hear the ringing voices now. Tell me, what did you fight about? If not about me, then what? You said yourself that you never cared about me, so why did you used to fight? Oh I see, it was because you thought I was a piece of property that belonged to you, and you wanted me back. But why? I was nothing to you remember? Oh, you thought that if you took care of me then everything would turn out differently and I would be stronger, perhaps perfect. Well, perfect is impossible, and those who reach it are either dead or delirious, just like you.

**~*Cause we lost it all**

**And nothing lasts forever**

**I'm sorry I can't be perfect**

**Now it's just too late**

**And we can't go back**

**I'm sorry I can't be perfect*~**

Afraid of love was what I was feeling after you left that one dark day. I shut off, at a complete loss for what else to do. It took me nine years for that hard tomb of ice around my heart to finally melt as warm rays of subliminal sunlight shone through. But when I told you, you didn't approve of it. You said that ultimate perfection doesn't come from the heart, but from the judgmental voice in your mind. If that's true, then how come after all this time, the only comfort to ever come from my mind was the fascination that someday you would accept me as your daughter, and not just as a means for you to get what you wanted. 

**~*Nothing's gonna change the things that you said**

**And nothing's gonna make this right again**

**Please don't turn you back**

**I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you**

**But you don't understand*~**

After you said I'd never be what you wanted, you turned your back on me and bluntly told me to leave, concerning yourself with another guilty client. Did you even understand just how hard I had worked myself to become what you wanted? To make _you_ proud? I couldn't even begin explaining just how much I had sacrificed to try to be perfect. But now I understand that perfection is just a motivational word used for people to strive for the top, to try their hardest…and that's all I can do; try. So I'm sorry I don't believe anymore, but how could I, when all you ever did was reprimand me.

**~*Cause we lost it all**

**And nothing lasts forever**

**I'm sorry I can't be perfect**

**Now it's just too late**

**And we can't go back**

**I'm sorry I can't be perfect*~**

Things have changed now; I'm actually free. Free from you, free from trying to obtain something that doesn't exist, and free from my own constrictions…and yours. 

I guess I can say thank you, for giving me the opportunity to experience such pain and loneliness, so I now know not to go back to that ever again, for as long as I live. 

**~* Cause we lost it all**

**And nothing lasts forever**

**I'm sorry I can't be perfect**

**Now it's just too late**

**And we can't go back**

**I'm sorry I can't be perfect*~**

Perfect isn't so simple.

~

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~

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**A/N: **The song is of course Simple Plan's "Perfect", which was absolutely perfect (no pun intended) for that situation…I can't believe it took me so long to write this; I've wanted to ever since I heard this song, which was a _long_ time ago…

Review if you want me to know what you thought about it!

Ciao

Amethyst

 


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